-Letter to the Unknown Reader - Series - 4 - Finding myself

 Hello dearest Reader,

Another month flew past. The northern hemisphere is still under a cold spell. I keep hearing of sub-zero temperatures and snowstorms. This time around I have keener interest on the intensity of the cold because my son is spending his winter semester far away from me, bracing temperatures which he’s not used to. But like every other teenager who has left home and feels that they can conquer the world, nothing seems to dampen his spirits. However, a mother’s worry is perennial. The slightest of things and we start to hyper ventilate. The number of times I checked on his warm clothes and shoes made me laugh at my own idiosyncrasies.

But this letter is not about the weather or about a mother’s heart. It’s about how the cat stopped crouching and stretched. Remember I told you that I simply observed the world like a crouching cat in January. This month I started clawing at the fog around my existence. February had been kind to me professionally. Physically too. I regained my strength and got back to my regular work out schedule. I focused on what I’m eating but most of all, I observed my mind. And as I dived deep, I noticed a few things.

Those that were driving forces in my life have shifted. A career high no more gave me joy. I was perplexed. Throughout out my life I was told I’m ambitious (not always with a positive connotation to it) and that I can push myself to the brink to reach my goals. But then surprisingly the career high was no more a goal that enchanted me. I was rather depressed and it seemed a waste of time on meaningless pursuit. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my job and am blessed with great co-workers. The motivators were there, the motivation was missing.

The travelling which enamoured me, the joy of visiting a new place that would always keep me moving -  seemed to have subsided. Exotic places and foreign locales did not pull in a way it used to. I found joys in small towns of my country, the mustard fields yellow with flowers, the boat ride on a lonely river where our captain was a visually impaired man, the green ‘gulal’ put lovingly on my cheeks by a young kid or the dare devilry of a bike ride through the lanes of Barsana to the top of mountain. Seeing the temples crowded with people but being able to find the quiet amidst all, was divine. There was a shift. I could sense it, but couldn’t quite fathom.

The woman who always planned the “what next” was actually tired of planning. I had started cherishing the quiet moments, with a cup of coffee and doing nothing. Curling up with a book on an oft used sofa, which knows the curves of my body, was pure bliss. I breathed in lungs full of morning air and listened to the swish of the leaves or a faraway cuckoo cooing sadly calling for lightness of spring. Nothing glamorous, nothing breathtaking, but simplicity of the lull became precious.

As I watched myself patiently, It dawned on me that I had stopped nurturing my feminine side in all its authenticity when I had stepped into my 30s. Not that I didn’t play my role, but it was solely role playing rather than living it. Like, it was more about how a wife should be rather than what kind of a wife I am. The benchmark of being the “kind” of daughter or daughter in law or for that matter mother was what drove me. In my head I was ticking boxes. To me that was sure shot way to ensure affection, to command respect, to get the love and most of all to have that the seal of approval. It was not my reality, and even if it was, I didn’t recognise it as such. Hence I lived it like a task instead of embracing it.

Looking back, I gathered, that you cannot be loved unless you love yourself completely. A complete sense of surrender to the Universe is thousand times better than surrendering to another person. This time around when I visited Vrindavan, I felt the presence, the show of love and acceptance crystal clear. I think when humanity fails, divinity steps in. When you feel unseen, untouched and unloved then I guess you expand yourself to experience the beyond. It was imperative that my body listened to my mind and I had to ensure that my mind is not enduring trash. Healing happens when you heal from within. The subconscious wounds we carry, the burden of expectations we shoulder, the betrayals, or the unrequited love turns ugly when suppressed and rears head as diseases. Diseases are nothing but lack of ease - of body & mind.

So throughout February I clawed my way through the mental fog and physical weakness. I worked on the debris of my cluttered mind. I accepted life as is, without trying to change. But I changed my focus. I loved but not with a desperate longing. I worked but not as if life depended on its success. I worked out cause I enjoyed it. I ate right cause it made me feel good. I meditated cause I could sink in the calm. I dressed up because I felt beautiful. Sometimes you hold so many scars in your body that you fear that no one on earth will ever be able to love your physicality. But then there would always be you for YOURSELF. 

My dearest reader, be that person who anchors your own existence. Be the best version of your own body and your own mind. Do things which makes living life worth the while. Not to tick some strange box in your head, but just because life is beautiful and you deserve to blossom into what you’re meant to be.

 

Always yours,

Pocket full of life

Letter to the Unknown Reader - Series 4 - Pause & Reflect

 Hello Dearest Reader,

Almost a month has passed us by in this brand new year. Can you imagine before we could actually begin, we are left with just eleven more months instead of twelve. I’m fond of the number 11. It seems there’s a special connection with this number and me. My organs seem to check into an operation theatre on this date and come out safe and sound. Either replaced or repaired. One happened on 11th of August and the other on 29th of November and you see how the numbers played their game. 29 reduces itself to 11. Funny if you watch them and fancy the coincidence. Theatrics aside this letter is neither about numerology nor about medical shenanigans. I wanted to write to you about how I spent the first month of this year!

The month tested my patience and gave enough opportunity to spike my anxiety. My son flew back to resume his winter semester. And how eventful was the flight! Snow causing delay in Munich, almost a missed flight in Atlanta and his luggage not reaching his University town with him. As he navigated travel fiascos alone for the first time, I realised as parents you helplessly live through your child’s ordeal without being able to do much barring being available for him to take a download of his frustrations. It was a new experience. To be a mother of a young adult was very different from mothering a baby boy. You have to let him navigate life, face its waves yet you can see how the strings of attachment impact your emotions as he traverses this labyrinth. You can’t do much. You watch, you pause, you feel and you reflect. Hoping desperately that years of raising him was good enough to ready him for facing his life. I traveled with him in my mind sitting in Mumbai through time zones watching him move mile by mile away from me.

If that’s not enough, the exercise to update your name in the election commission list unfolded in our country. Stuck to Mumbai with a recovering heart, I couldn’t travel  to my home town for the formalities. But I dare say the lady officer in charge, who was responsible for my constituency was efficient, compassionate and exceptionally competent. She called me a number of times, understood my situation and provided solutions to get things resolved. It brought back faith in the system when I saw her managing the situation. I feel, for such individuals in our government, we still are able to run the public machinery catering to the humongous population of our country.

A old skirmish on road caused us more headaches than required and we had to invest time and connections on it. But most disappointing thing this month was to realise we have to do a femoral head ostectomy for Mithai,  our pet Retriever - as his hips were both in very poor condition. Poor boy stopped playing and running though his enthusiasm was always sky high. Any exertion would cause him to limp. We would close this month with his surgery.

You can imagine January was trying and I decided to go slow, watch and reflect. At times the only option you have is to crouch like the cat in the sun. Just be! Breathe, pause and breathe again. Let the sun shine on you, let the chilly wind freeze your bones and snooze whenever life and circumstances allow you to. So I slowly without much ado, resumed life as best as I could. I gradually eased into my old clothes. Believe me a chest cut wide open is not a very pleasant condition to allow clothes to glide over it. You learn with practice and patience, what possibly you can wear and finally heal enough to go back to your regular wardrobe. I learned how to walk. Slowly first, then getting back to my original speed. I went back to my workout with my very patient trainer. Realised two pounds can be an effort and letting my body adapt to the move back to normalcy. I changed what I ate, how much I ate and when I ate. Simple things but a battle I had to fight silently. 

I decided to be like the cats. Slow but sure in its movement. Watching and being. These cats gave me company and hope. Always appearing in my line of vision. Teaching me patience and curiosity at the same time. So taken was I with my feline companions that I decided to dedicate the first month to them. Watch out for a photo dump on my Gram. Hopefully each month of this year will inspire me differently and I’m looking forward to sharing them with you.

I hope your first month was better than mine in more ways than one. I’m not complaining. Life is like that and you live it with grace. Wishing you sun and warmth. May you have the purr alive always!

Always yours,

Pocket full of life

Letter to the Unknown Reader - Series 3 - Bygones that gone by

 

Hello my dearest Reader,

How have you been? A month and more since I last wrote to you and of course I have reason that kept me away from reaching out. But before I get into that, I wanted to wish you cheers of the season. The northern half of the earth has leaned into darkness and colder weather. My part of the world is pleasantly warm, though we locals still to try to pry some winter out of Mumbai. A year surreptitiously past us by. Globally a lot has changed. countries shifted gear, a lot changed in my life too and I think it’s time to shift gear.

As I look back to the months that flew past, there had been many merry memories and some which made me hyperventilate. January saw me paragliding in Kamshet. February dragged me to my Krishna in Vrindavan. March ensured that I am able to visit Maha Kumbh and more than that I spent a lovely time with family and made family out of folks I barely knew. My aunt in law and the family she gifted me is one of the highlights of this year. April I went to my home away from home Bikshthang in Sikkim. This time with one of my girls and the quiet we spent together was special. 

In between, I changed nest, my 18 year old appeared for his school leaving, did a havan at my new nest, coped with lack of helping hands, my father in law who occupies predominantly a large part of my heart fell severely ill, and my son left for his freshman year at Savannah. My dad had health hiccups which got me worried sick and ensured that I flew to Kolkata in July just to spend some time with him. My brother literally SOSed me to come back home.

August was tough. It is life changing as a mother when your child flies the nest. I pride myself to be not too clingy and mothers of sons know there’s not much use trying to hang on to the boys. They are independent creatures made of monosyllables. Saying it it’s unimaginable as to how much of our life and time we spend on nurturing them to adulthood. We flew to New York to spend some family time before dropping our boy to his University. Between me and my man, spent the 1st week of September savouring historic district of Savannah and gorging on awesome food. The city is beautiful and gifted us with some of the best memories.

I was pulled back to NY for work and then flew to Toronto to wrap my work tour. In between family, friends and colleagues the whirlwind trip kept me on my toes and in and out of my suitcase. When I came back it was Durga Puja time. My community was all geared to usher the mother Goddess in all its splendor and it was so much fun attending to pujas and cooking the bhog during five days of festivities with neighbors, friends and colleagues. And I did land up buying a few gorgeous sarees even though I told myself a thousand times that I would never indulge.

October was extremely busy at work and we had visitors and brainstorming sessions and lunch meeting which rolled in like waves. In between I managed to fly back to Kolkata to celebrate my dad’s 80th. Both my father & father in law was stable health wise by then. But November caught me off guard. A stray regular health check up found my heart was not functioning right. Too much of love clogged it a bit and new highways were required to be built around it so that I can love life fully but tad more sensibly. My OT stars shone bright and I underwent an open heart by-pass surgery bypassing all the guilt and grief that we keep storing as we storm through life. 

I waited long enough to write to you so that I can tell you I’m doing fine. I’m raring to embrace the brand new year but also wanted to share a few life lessons I learnt along the way. Don’t horde your grief, it takes a toll on your body. I am a living proof. Do for others but don’t overdo. It’s sure shot recipe for disappointments. Stretching yourself is great, but learning to pause is a tool you need to embrace. Be kind, but first to yourself. We create monsters as we traverse life. They have their purpose and they hold us good when we need them to see us through. But there’s a time when we should let them go. Please be careful and let go off those versions of yourself which do not make much sense today. Love deeply but know all love will not be reciprocated with the same intensity. What you know to be true and hold deep in your soul might not be the truth for someone else. Hence love those who love you through thick and thin. Be there for people who not only had the courage to witness your pain but held your hands as you gritted your way through it.

My 76 year old mom came to my rescue when I was down. My husband of 20 years spent sleepless nights when I was getting operated, my 18 year old came most days to spent time with me at the hospital, my brother flew in just to be with me during the surgery, my friends family, neighbours and colleagues dropped by, messaged and ensured that I sail through the tough time. So pray know your circle. Universe gives us one. Cherish it. But also know your body is yours, your pain is yours, your struggle to get back on your two feet will only be yours. So for God’s sake love yourself. Be kind to yourself. 

I realised Eat, Pray, Love is a not just a flick - the name more or less summarise life itself. I wish you great health, new adventures and the wisdom to know when to pause in the coming year. From mine to yours…have a great 365 days ahead! I will see you with Series 4 of my letters in the coming year.

Always yours,

Pocket full of life

Letter to the Unknown Reader - Series 3 - In Between

Hello dearest Reader,

A month flew by since I last wrote to you. And I thought it’s time to pen down my realisation from the phase just crossed. I call it in-between and I’d tell you why. The last month was the time in between dropping my child to college and getting back to my life. It was the time spent in between two cities, New York and Toronto. It was the time where I spent time with my home team and that of others. It was time spent between two friends of different age and from different phases of my life staying in two different cities. It was also the time where a part of me irrevocably changed and shifted. A change that I had known would come but never anticipated how it’d turn out to be.

So let me tell you the stories from my “in between” days. I left Savannah where I dropped my not so little boy to start his undergrad days and flew to the Big Apple. My office HQ is based out of NYC and I spent a week rushing between meetings, forging connections and collecting meaningful intels to better my processes back home. I was taken care off and after a year in this organisation felt at home as I mingled with teammates, seniors and peers. A year back in this same office I had forged a relationship with a girl I barely knew. And the work relationship was not one which was run off the mill. My team was to take on the work which her team was doing. As a consultant her team was moving out as my team was being set. It could have been an uncomfortable relationship. Forget friendship, we could have harboured bitterness and sense of competition as the transition took place. But this girl blew my mind. I have never met a kinder soul. A thorough professional she eased my transition process like a pro. Not only that, she ensured a week old newbie in the system finds her way around. The warmth and the welcome I received from her taught me a few things about life. Goodness has no limits if someone is bent on being good. So a girl who was way younger than me, worked with me for barely three months and in a situation which probably was not too pleasant for her professionally, became friend for life. We kept in touch throughout the last year and this time when I was in NYC, Falon took me out for dinner. We chatted like souls which had a connect over lifetimes. We shared heart breaks and career dreams, family dramas and life aspirations and time flew by faster than I liked. You may call me naive but I do believe in the magic called life. Falon for sure is part of that magic. A person you’ve barely known being such a good friend, like you’ve known her forever is nothing short of a miracle. I will not get into the details of the awesome pasta we savoured and the truffle fries, but when we walked back she showed me the writing on the footpath (see the pic). Seems every summer an unknown artist writes these beautiful quotes on the pathways. Those words are what Falon is all about.

My next stop was Toronto and the city was my first time visit. I did the touristy stuff of going to the Niagara Falls. The day tour had a lot thrown in for a bunch of multinational tourists. And I doubt if ever there was a sweeter and funnier tour guide than Jhonny. He made us laugh and entertained us as we drove past the scenic countryside. Our first stop was a vineyard where we saw wine making. I don’t drink anymore hence had to indulge myself by only watching the rest taking a sip. Then we went to a vintage car show and I loved strolling between the classics under the sunny sky. We took photos of the famous Flower clock and stopped by Niagara on the lake to do a maple syrup tasting before driving down to the falls. Niagara is an experience I’d recommend to any first timer. The boat ride to the falls was the best. As the boat twirled around, the water sprayed over us. Everyone on that boat had a smile plastered on their lips. The sheer joy of getting soaked in the misty spray on a boat which rocked like swing was unexplainable. You need to do it to feel it.

But then Toronto was also about work and about Jabeen. Jabeen is a friend from another lifetime. I think we spent working together for four months before she decided to move on to newer opportunities in Canada. I on the other hand continued where I was working then. We kept in touch over the years. Whenever we spoke, it was like there was no time lapse in between. We shared everything under the sun and a friendship forged over the years. Jabeen has made Toronto her home and of course we had to meet. The young fashionable gorgeous Jabeen I had last seen years back remains unchanged. No one would say a decade has passed by. The girl I knew is married now and a new mom with an adorable ten month old. We met for dinner and gorged on sushi and I was invited over to her lovely home where I met baby Arish. I was touched by the warmth of her hearth and her heart. Every one in the family met me for the first time and welcomed me with such warmth that I was humbled. Including baby Arish, whose smile stole my heart. Jabeen decided to pamper me not only with company, food and love but when she heard that I love sushi and want to learn making it, gifted me with a sushi making kit. I must have done some good by some folks in my lifetime to be blessed by such friends. As I walked back to my hotel, the shimmering Toronto taught me a few lessons on friendships. And like I said I believe in soul connects, I believe in lifetimes more than one. Else there’s no reason that two girls who barely knew me and spent so little time with me staying in two different cities would go out of their way to melt the cockles of my heart. 

As I flew past the clouds on my flight back home I pondered on the time I left behind and time that’s rushing towards me. I left behind a mother who was needed to nurture and was embracing one who is good to have around for sharing life lessons. From a need to have to a good to have the shift was hard hitting . I left behind a woman who was juggling profession with her home, and stepped into the skin of a career focused person. I left behind a woman who had always been surrounded by folks since the day she got married to her man, and was stepping into a life where she would have to live with her husband alone. This was happening for the first time in twenty years. I realised, I can survive the change. I realised I have spent four decades and more on this earth. I realised I have family all across the world who cares. I realised I have meaningful friendships. I realised I have health which still sustains me. I realised that loving someone doesn’t always need reciprocation. I realised I can deck up for myself and enjoy my time alone. I realised it’s good to be back home like it is to run away from it. The in-between time taught me a lot.

So to all my readers, pause in between. If you can spend some quiet time, you will find yourself. Between the roles you play, you’ll know the true you. Wishing you all many in-betweens in your life. May you find yourself. Gorgeous and ever wise.

Always yours,

Pocket full of life

Letter to the Unknown Reader - Series 3 - Savannah Diaries

 Hello dearest Reader,

Hope you’re world is not going through portal of changes like mine and you are enjoying the last of the summer’s if you’re from the west.  And if you are a part of the east, then may be the monsoon is bringing you a bout of relief from the sultry, suffocating heat. My part of the world has started its festive season with Krishna Janmashtami and we are still in the throes of Ganesh Chaturthi. We will go on till fall touches us as we celebrate the passing of the season and the position of the stars with different representations of divinity.

But my letter comes to you not from the shores of Mumbai but from the banks of Savannah. Faraway land where I have come to see off my 18 year old who is embarking on the adventure called life. As he starts his undergrad days in this quaint historic town, I get to savour the idyllic charm of this place. You must be wondering how an empty nester is coping with the stress. Reputation of Indian moms precedes them. We are prone to mope a bit more than the others. But of course, you see our kids to us is the best Universe could create. We are those special beings brought to earth for nurturing the celestial creations, so letting go does not come easy! The natural instinct to protect the eighteen year old infants are so strong that we sometimes tend to forget our place in the scheme of things. Well retributions come super fast too. The helpless eighteen year old snaps and snarls like a wild beast and before long we give up. Albeit not at all happy.

Folks around me threw a billion platitudes. Some very philosophical - asked me to let go. Some very frantic was absolutely convinced that I’m heartbroken. Some prophesies that I would embrace my freedom and some thought I now have all the time of the world. So let me share snippets of my quirky mind . It may help you, if not it sure will bring a smile to your face.

Have you seen two overlapping lines? When we were kids. We would draw pencil lines on white pages. And then to make it a bit thicker and bold, we would draw a darker line on the original. Having a baby boy (because mine is a boy) is somewhat like that. Your life moves like a pencil lines across the spectrum of the universe till you start nurturing a life inside you. Once you’ve another heartbeat inside you, it’s two lives walking similar paths. You holding, nurturing, caring and protecting another life. If fierceness had a face then probably that’s how mothers protect their babies. The instinct to create, nurture and shield is as primordial as creation itself. And then at one point in the journey you have to let that life go its own way. One single line diverges. They run their own course, sometimes running parallel to the mother line, sometimes crossing and sometimes simply touching before parting once again. But today’s story is all about the mother line. What happens to her when the weight of guarding a life slowly shifts. I don’t know about others but let me tell you’ll about mine.

As I walked the streets of Savannah, guarded by aged tress, Spanish moss laden and dark, a strange sense of completeness wrapped around me. The mossy entanglement decorating the branches like that of Christmas decoration, made me feel lighter. Like a feather. As if I have completed quarter of a purpose of my life. Done and dusted with the karmic give and take. I felt free. Something lifted off my spirit. A feeling of accomplishment. A job well done! And I felt I can go my way without turning back. It may sound strange to your ears, but a sense of peace engulfed me. The antique shops, laden with curios, the Savannah honey - enticing tourists, the paintings and the artwork on the street, the graffiti on the walls enchanted me. The southern sojourn was like a breath of fresh air after crazy last few months. We walked miles, tasted the hot chicken wings, laughed as we devoured gigantic dollops of ice-creams and my boys and I had a blast. The cruise on the river Savannah was like a lullaby and the trip to Tybee island was enchanting. We toured the city on a trolley and also took ride to check out the most haunted places in the city. Savannah had its history wrapped round numerous folklores. It was exactly what the heart required. There was no agenda as such, we only needed to settle the young lad into his new life. And as one of his quintessential wisecracks go - “Change is easy when you’re easing into it” - we all were easing into the changing life. A change for each one of us.

When you will read this letter, I would still be walking the streets of Savannah,  enjoying my summer break, shopping, eating cookies, sipping on ice cool slushes and splashing on the fountains at the public parks. A few more days of trying out new restaurants every day, tasting the Savannah reaper, enjoying the glorious sunsets, before I say goodbye to the town which would teach my fledgling to trail blaze his sky. I am thrilled to bits as I can embark on my own adventures, of discovering new stories and charting my own path through the stars. 

My letters will bear testimony to the zing of my life and I hope my pocket will be full of stories to share. Till you hear from me again, keep yourself happy. And write to me if you feel like. Stories are always meant to be exchanged.

Always yours,

Pocket full of life

Letter to the Unknown Reader - Series 3 - View

 Hello Dearest Reader,

I hope you’re keeping well and life has been fair or at least kind. I am told that the celestial situation and our planets are not conducively  positioned enough and hence life everywhere is a bit jerky and chaotic. I’m neither a believer nor a naysayer as far as astrology is concerned but I do believe that life is uncertain and unpredictable. Hence each one of us should have a few handy tools to help us navigate it.

I’m a born Hindu, practice Tibetan Buddhism, completely believe in Santa, secret or not and ardent fan of Biriyani rustled up during Eid. I’m a devout nobody and some may label me as opportunist. I treat divinity as part of my daily life. But this blog is not about my spiritual beliefs, it’s about your practices that may help you in your day to day.

If you remember in my last letter I mentioned that my life crumbled like rubbles of a burning tower. Changes and shifts in my tectonic plates of life shook me to my core. Outside things remained routine but internally parts of me died. In Buddhist teachings it’s often mentioned that from the minute we are born we die every moment and celebrate it as life. I was experiencing death in many forms. As a daughter I was coming in terms with my parents aging. In similar capacity, I was accepting that I’d never be enough. I barely recognised my role as a spouse. What started twenty years back and what it has metamorphosed into has no similarities. And as a mother confronting your adult son is as painful as giving him birth the first time. It comes with anxiety, fear, uncertainty and unconditional love. You need to teach yourself the art of unparenting. Suddenly from playing the role of a controller in your child’s life, you become a consultant. Advice to be given only when solicited. The wheel of change was on the prowl and I was it’s easy prey.

Amidst all the chaos we changed houses. Same housing complex different apartment. This caused a change in view. The same greenery of Arey colony looked very different from the new balcony at the twentieth floor. Nest as the name suggests are always meant to be changed. Each of them serves a season. This new place struck a deeper cord. In Buddhist teachings, there is always a mention of “View”. Basis of every practice is holding the right “view”. This move changed my view, literally and figuratively.

I realised that every shift becomes more meaningful if you can hold the right view. You can empathise without being pulled into emotional whirlpool. You can step back and watch relationships evolve. You can soak in the joy of watching your fledgling fly. And you can love deeply, without craving. Just like the same green Arey looked like a photo from Coorg when the view shifted. Every change gives us an opportunity to look at things differently. We all educate ourselves, teach ourselves life skills but often forget to train our minds. Lucky are those who gets the opportunity to observe the nature of mind and equip themselves to cope with the internal landscape. I have been blessed to have great Teachers who taught me the basics with utmost care. I am able to keep afloat.

So my dearest reader, peep into your tool kit. See which one will help you survive changes. I can guarantee, your body, your mind, your relationships, your external and internal circumstances will keep shifting. Hold the “View”….a change may land you a greener vista when you really look. Sending you sunshine and cool breeze , so that you can breathe a sigh of content amidst chaos.

Always yours,

Pocket full of life

Letter to the Unknown Reader - Series - 3 - Shift

Dearest Reader,

Hope time is treating you with kindness and you are thriving at your own pace. My world though has shifted gears and the trajectory has angled into a direction which I am yet to fathom. But you had been a great listener and storytelling is the oldest form of entertainment and most effective means to pass on generational experience on to the future. Hence let me tell you the story of the collapse and the story of the shift - inside out.

Honestly it didn’t start middle of the year we are living in, but if I think through and look back, the veil started to tear last year with a humongous professional change. I changed jobs, because one day I realised that in the quest of professional growth I have trapped myself into a cage of expectations created by others. I also realised that I have given all that I had & could but it never seemed good enough. It dawned on me that the people I worked with, clients I worked for and the self which is raking in the hours are benefiting nothing because of the shackles in which the situation was entangled. Then one bright blue morning I did for the first time what I should have long ago, drew my boundaries. Saying’No’ needs the courage to let go of what seems normal and routine. But from deep corners of my soul the courage and the nonchalance spilled like hot lava. It felt like I was simply taking a professional decision. But now when I think of it, it, was the first of my letting go. I had let go of what I believed was my professional goals, I had let go of attachment, I had let go of trusting people blindly and without any malice. I had foraged my learning and was grateful. I was amazed at life for relentless throwing of obstacles till I learnt my lessons till I learned to draw my boundaries. I still work. But I’m a different beast. Zero attachment to attention in professional space creates corporate ninjas. Decisions are taken with zen like calmness. 

I should have suspected but had no inkling what more was to come into my world . But when you’re meant to change, shift occurs in all phases of your life. Every thing you knew as your world start falling like a burning tower. The deepest part of my being knew that this is the time for closure. The karmic cycles which tows you round and round needs to be broken. Cords will get cut, you’ll bleed but whatever remains of you will be different but stronger. Like every other mother, the girl in me died the day I held my baby boy. I have raised him with a fierceness of a wounded tigress. Nurtured him with my blood and fought my destiny to see him grow. I have shielded him till he became a weapon himself and now it’s time to step back. It’s time to let him walk his path. My job had been to be the wind beneath his wings and he’s ready to soar and fly. You see the cords are getting cut. And I’m owning back myself bit by bit.

For the last twenty six years I have tried to make a home out of strangers. I have given everything I had and nurtured relationships. Not faking a minute. Loved and held it close in a protective circle. Everything I did was to hold my unit together. I had given more than I could and never expected much in return, besides hoping that these strangers who became home to a girl will help her in nurturing the unit. But you see life only puts you in situations so that you evolve. However much we feel we are doing things for the entire world, the underlying purpose of it all is your own evolution. When what you call your home is snatched away from you in flash of a second, you realise the impermanence of everything. Few words and every thing you built over all these years shattered in seconds. Few words and the unit you loved was broken. Your giving, your loving, your sacrifices, your home or atleast the meaning of it changed colours in front of your eyes. You realised that trampling on people who are quiet is natural human instinct. Some will use words to create drama and some will throttle you with silence. And like the job which I had left last year, I realised that I’m adding no value to the lives I’m living with. At least not in this form. And then I took refuge….to the mountains.

I will own without shame, that I actually fled. Fled because the destruction of the life I had created in my mind, for so many years was devastating to watch. The burning embers of its remnants singed me. And I needed to crumple and weep in the folds of my mountains. I needed to be home, the home that my soul recognises. And as I hunkered low putting up a brave front a very slow realisation crept into me. All this was meant to be. I had to evolve into my being. The meaning of my existence is in my being. I do not need to exist for anyone else or be defined by roles I took upon myself. I have walked the path with different souls as long as I was meant to be. Just the way it was meant to be. I have loved and have been loved the way it should have been and now I have outrun the longevity of it all. The purpose has been fulfilled and hence the closure came in its own volition.

The path ahead is shrouded just like the misty mountain roads. But the prayer flags do send the prayers for all sentient beings with the waves of the wind and I know my refuge will hold me good. It was the precious Saga Dawa month celebrated by Buddhists all over. A month where you pray for every aspect of life. As I soaked in the clean air of Yuksom or when I climbed to the Monastery in Tashiding, I prayed for the part of me which died. I prayed for the new born me. I prayed for strength and kindness and gentleness. I prayed till I cleansed myself of all the waiting. There’s no more waiting, no more expecting, no more hoping that others will understand you or acknowledge you. There’s only purest aspirations of being in awareness, with gentle kindness and wisdom. The shift has happened. Silently with no paramount changes outward. But from the ashes of the crumble, rose a steady calm inside.

Wishing you all, calm after every storm in your life.

Always yours,

Pocket full of life