Dearest Reader,
Hope you’re in swell of a mood. In my part of the world sweltering heat has shrouded our souls. They are talking about a super El Nino effect. I know for sure that we’re going to melt soon, if there’s no respite. Air conditioners are operating in full blast generating even more heat. The summer breeze is laced with fire even during early mornings or late evenings. For a change office seems like a safe space and sane too with the central air conditioning. Though to reach that haven you have to travel through hell realms of pollution, humidity and blaze. You can imagine I’m writing with angst in my soul as I’m navigating the hallowed Indian summer. My generally optimistic and happy self has taken a back seat.
But then I couldn’t possibly let April flow by me without adding some memories to my repertoire. During the long weekend of Good Friday, me and my (longtime) husband decided to visit Varanasi (Benaras/Kashi). The place is currently the rage of the season. Everyone knows everything about it through social media and the net. These days your feelings when you visit a new place gets curated. So much of content is out there, that every thing seems like a déjà vu. Hence I’ve decided I’d share a personal story from the trip, which may resonate with you.
Earlier in the year my solo trip to Vrindavan showed me love, a sense of belonging and complete surrender. To each to their own, but Vrindavan to me was pure romance. Every nook and cranny will remind you of unconditional love, unspoken passion, secret tryst and faith - that love is universal. The emotion is sublime and constant, possibly does not need reciprocation or recognition. Does it exude pain or loneliness - maybe, but it holds in itself every other emotion attached to it like energy filament. You may be lonely at times but never alone.
Benaras, on the other hand juxtaposed the other constant of life and slammed it at my face. The place is all about impermanence, about death being a constant and of stillness. The city itself rejoices in life. There’s food for the stomach and faith for the soul. The kachoris, lassis and chats can make you fall in love. The galore of temples and the experience you’d have in each would load you with stories that would last a lifetime. And the sarees…., the Benarasi Katans and Tanchoi, the myriad glass bangles of different hues, the sound and the noise reminded me that the city holds as much a feminine energy as it’s famous for its divine masculine. There’s as much Parvati in Kashi as there is Shiva. And when I roamed the Ganga on a quaint little boat, the ghats opened their secrets for me. There was praying in one, splashing boys in another. I saw death and cremation in Manikarnika and lovers entangled in Harishchandra Ghat. Dashashwamedh was crowded where as Assi was a systematic calm. And as I swept past the Chaurasi Ghats (84 Ghats) it dawned upon me, that the only constants in life is love and death.
The trip was such a refreshing break for both me and my man that we still are nurturing a hangover of that trip. 20 years of marriage gives you a routine but also it throws a number of questions. Why I’m in it? Is it comfort? Is it love? Is it society or responsibility? Should I be in it? Is my identity intertwined with my marriage? Who am I? And you may think I’m being philosophical or may be plunging into mid life crisis, but it’s necessary that we all spend some time knowing ourselves before trying to know others. Varanasi gave me all the answers. You have different souls thrown at your path. Some nurtures you, some nurse you, some triggers you and some holds a mirror to show you, yourself. Then there are some who holds space for you. They are constant, and embody a stillness which allows you to be the storm. They let you be. They are never a part of your flow but integral to it. These souls do not sweep you off your path, they walk with you….watching and being there. And my marriage rests on such shoulders. Being there is an ask, when it’s unconditional. It’s as much an ask as it is when you love unconditionally. The previous needs more effort, cause it’s not always fuelled by love.
So between me and my man, we walked the streets, roamed in Totos, cruised the river, indulged in tongue tingling chats, visited temples and shopped to our heart’s content. For two office goers who rarely have a breather in the first quarter of the year, it was like a breath of fresh air. An untimely splash of the afternoon rain brought down temperatures as we walked the streets of a city which has lasted eons and has reference in mythology.
My dearest reader, i hope you have enough questions which leads you to self discovery and enough places to travel to, so that you can hunt down answers. If you do not have a travel companion, go solo. It’s equally fun and may land you with experiences which is much deeper. Till we meet again, be well.
Always yours,
Pocket full of life
