Hope time is treating you with kindness and you are thriving at your own pace. My world though has shifted gears and the trajectory has angled into a direction which I am yet to fathom. But you had been a great listener and storytelling is the oldest form of entertainment and most effective means to pass on generational experience on to the future. Hence let me tell you the story of the collapse and the story of the shift - inside out.
Honestly it didn’t start middle of the year we are living in, but if I think through and look back, the veil started to tear last year with a humongous professional change. I changed jobs, because one day I realised that in the quest of professional growth I have trapped myself into a cage of expectations created by others. I also realised that I have given all that I had & could but it never seemed good enough. It dawned on me that the people I worked with, clients I worked for and the self which is raking in the hours are benefiting nothing because of the shackles in which the situation was entangled. Then one bright blue morning I did for the first time what I should have long ago, drew my boundaries. Saying’No’ needs the courage to let go of what seems normal and routine. But from deep corners of my soul the courage and the nonchalance spilled like hot lava. It felt like I was simply taking a professional decision. But now when I think of it, it, was the first of my letting go. I had let go of what I believed was my professional goals, I had let go of attachment, I had let go of trusting people blindly and without any malice. I had foraged my learning and was grateful. I was amazed at life for relentless throwing of obstacles till I learnt my lessons till I learned to draw my boundaries. I still work. But I’m a different beast. Zero attachment to attention in professional space creates corporate ninjas. Decisions are taken with zen like calmness.
I should have suspected but had no inkling what more was to come into my world . But when you’re meant to change, shift occurs in all phases of your life. Every thing you knew as your world start falling like a burning tower. The deepest part of my being knew that this is the time for closure. The karmic cycles which tows you round and round needs to be broken. Cords will get cut, you’ll bleed but whatever remains of you will be different but stronger. Like every other mother, the girl in me died the day I held my baby boy. I have raised him with a fierceness of a wounded tigress. Nurtured him with my blood and fought my destiny to see him grow. I have shielded him till he became a weapon himself and now it’s time to step back. It’s time to let him walk his path. My job had been to be the wind beneath his wings and he’s ready to soar and fly. You see the cords are getting cut. And I’m owning back myself bit by bit.
For the last twenty six years I have tried to make a home out of strangers. I have given everything I had and nurtured relationships. Not faking a minute. Loved and held it close in a protective circle. Everything I did was to hold my unit together. I had given more than I could and never expected much in return, besides hoping that these strangers who became home to a girl will help her in nurturing the unit. But you see life only puts you in situations so that you evolve. However much we feel we are doing things for the entire world, the underlying purpose of it all is your own evolution. When what you call your home is snatched away from you in flash of a second, you realise the impermanence of everything. Few words and every thing you built over all these years shattered in seconds. Few words and the unit you loved was broken. Your giving, your loving, your sacrifices, your home or atleast the meaning of it changed colours in front of your eyes. You realised that trampling on people who are quiet is natural human instinct. Some will use words to create drama and some will throttle you with silence. And like the job which I had left last year, I realised that I’m adding no value to the lives I’m living with. At least not in this form. And then I took refuge….to the mountains.
I will own without shame, that I actually fled. Fled because the destruction of the life I had created in my mind, for so many years was devastating to watch. The burning embers of its remnants singed me. And I needed to crumple and weep in the folds of my mountains. I needed to be home, the home that my soul recognises. And as I hunkered low putting up a brave front a very slow realisation crept into me. All this was meant to be. I had to evolve into my being. The meaning of my existence is in my being. I do not need to exist for anyone else or be defined by roles I took upon myself. I have walked the path with different souls as long as I was meant to be. Just the way it was meant to be. I have loved and have been loved the way it should have been and now I have outrun the longevity of it all. The purpose has been fulfilled and hence the closure came in its own volition.
The path ahead is shrouded just like the misty mountain roads. But the prayer flags do send the prayers for all sentient beings with the waves of the wind and I know my refuge will hold me good. It was the precious Saga Dawa month celebrated by Buddhists all over. A month where you pray for every aspect of life. As I soaked in the clean air of Yuksom or when I climbed to the Monastery in Tashiding, I prayed for the part of me which died. I prayed for the new born me. I prayed for strength and kindness and gentleness. I prayed till I cleansed myself of all the waiting. There’s no more waiting, no more expecting, no more hoping that others will understand you or acknowledge you. There’s only purest aspirations of being in awareness, with gentle kindness and wisdom. The shift has happened. Silently with no paramount changes outward. But from the ashes of the crumble, rose a steady calm inside.
Wishing you all, calm after every storm in your life.
Always yours,
Pocket full of life
No comments:
Post a Comment