Hello Dearest Reader,
I’m back from my very own tryst with destiny. Let me start off by saying a solo retreat to Osel Ling Monastery in Kathmandu cropped up early this year. My Guru Mingyur Rinpoche who is extremely elusive and travels at jet set speed across the globe, imparting teachings, had decided to stay put in Kathmandu, his hometown for this entire year. As a part of year long program, his Monastery Osel Ling was opened to public for the first time and there were a number of teaching and retreats scheduled for the ones who were interested.
My urge to visit my Masters like other obedient students were extremely need based. Very like school, if I’m able to complete my homework instructions provided by the teacher, I try and visit them for the next round of teachings. And often it takes years before I feel confident enough to face my Guru. This time around it almost took me one and half years before I could complete the ask. Obviously I couldn’t let go of an opportunity to meet Mingyur Rinpoche ( last met him in 2022) as it was perfect timing to deep dive into higher levels of Buddhist studies and practice. Hence I landed up in an unknown country determined to complete my Retreat for 10 days. But this story is neither about my Guru nor about Buddhism but about very personal experiences which swamped me during my stay.
Let me take a few minutes to explain what a Retreat is all about. It’s nothing but when you put your mind on a journey inward instead of outward. Your five senses shift their focus from the outer world and rests inward trying to fathom who you are. Inevitably during Retreat, you withdraw from social media, external communication and contact with family and friends to the extent possible. You are surrounded by your teachers, other Lamas and Tsunamas (ordained monks & nuns) and fellow practitioners. The only thing you discuss is either your practices or the teachings or the spiritual experiences. In actuality the only thing you see is the Monastery and the folks residing there. You eat the simplest of foods. You only have a meditation cushion in a huge prayer hall with no fans, or ACs and you spend days just absorbing the teachings and observing yourself.
Believe me it is the hardest to spend time with yourself. The toughest thing is to watch yourself quietly, without judgement, without any contrived thoughts, without giving any discerning tags to anything which is captured in the nets of your senses. Initially I found it extremely difficult to even sit still for 10 minutes at a stretch. I would toss turn and made a circus while trying to meditate. But the habit slowly sank into my system. Over the days the quiet inside my mind started getting reflected outside. I was submerged in the silence and the cacophony of the external environment stopped touching me. Every experience was enhanced and felt million times intense. Even if it meant listening to a bird singing.
And in that quiet, I unwrapped myself layer by layer. I saw myself like a reflection on clear water. Understood how I might come across to the world. The unaware nature of our existence, barely allows us to be natural in our environment. Either we are trying to convince ourselves what’s best for us or we are trying to convince others that we are a perfect fit in their scheme of things. In the process we have already categorised and tagged events past, present or future as good, bad or ugly. By default we also create aversion for what pains us. But in actuality from moment of birth till one leaves the body, we always have choices to not be a victim of circumstances or our habitual grasping of what we perceive as attractive.
Only if we can pause and observe, it is easy to get an explanation for your inner conundrum. It helps provide an internal expanse in your consciousness. One of the practices we did was to imagine desire. Intense desire and then observe how our body and mind reacts to it. The example provided by the teacher was to think of Pizza and imagining eating it, which sure was a treat considering we were all on simple, vegetarian Buddhist bowl of a diet. However for me desire came slamming hard as a memory of a person. As I was on Retreat I obviously had no connections with the outside world and consciously refrained from bringing in mind anyone who possibly could distract. During the practice, the only thing I could think about intensely was this person. It shook me to my core as my mind threw open image after image of all probable possibilities of interaction with this one single soul. As I experienced it, I was palpably aware of how my body was responding to the thoughts that my mind threw up and how emotions wrecked havoc on the calm I have been practising. But miraculously as our Master was guiding us through the practice, I slowly could observe three very different elements of this extreme experience my mind and body was going through. One the non-existent imaginary nature of object of desire, two my mind and body reacting to someone who is not there in the real and three, that my thoughts created my reality.
It was a surreal experience and in that moment I realised that I can let go of what is in my mind if only I’m aware of it. As my Retreat ended and I came back to the world I live in, I brought back with myself one critical life skill. What does not add to your journey will fall off your life. We should let go. Some things stay with us for limited period of time. It might be a job, your parents, your child, your Guru, your love….they come, play a role in your journey as long as it takes you to learn what you’re meant to and then drop off the path once the purpose is served. It’s meaningless to try and keep alive those connections.
Armed with this realisation I have embraced the quiet. The whirlpool of emotions which are our daily rigours is obviously there but I am constantly teaching myself to observe and not react. Ask questions and act instead of allowing presumptions to dictate actions. I am learning to speak about what I seek and solicit help from people around me. I’m learning to be aware and open. I’m learning to embrace and let go.
With that my dear reader, I would end my story. The picture you see on top is the statue of Buddha in Osel Ling Monastery glowing in the morning sun and shimmering Kathmandu city from Osel Ling again at night. Very like our own mind, light & dark. Osel Ling taught me to watch, embrace and let go. I hope you all are having a good summer break and storing up on stories to relieve later. But my dearest try watching , embracing and letting go. Till next time -
Always yours,
Pocket full of life
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