Hello Dearest Reader,
Hope you’re keeping well. This time round, my part of the world barely got a glimpse of winter. It was unpalatably warm and my trips to cooler parts of the country through last December and this January disappointed me. Seems global warming has shifted from being just an intellectual discussion to a life impacting phenomena. The weather outside was quite dull and Mumbai pollution cast a pall to my mood. And at the cusp of the first two months of this year, I had a sudden deep desire to see my Krishna. As the thought sprang to my mind, I decided to fulfil it.
I am at that stage of my life, where I have learnt to let the universe lead me on my path. Thankfully my circumstances allow me to make independent choices and my personal decisions usually go unchallenged. Guided by innate instincts, I land up doing things which at times cannot be fathomed by sceptics. So I packed my bags, allowed myself a day or two of leave and headed towards Vrindavan. No specific agenda in mind, but just to see Him. Quietly flew out of the maximum city at wee hours of one morning.
Now trips like this should be tread with curiosity and humour. The purpose of such trips are the trips themselves. And as luck would have it, I was caught by a googly right at the start of the journey. I boarded the flight on scheduled time. I only had my cabin luggage for the weekend trip with me. Managed to locate my seat and as I tried to shove my backpack in the cabin above, the main chain of my bag broke. Out tumbled my stuff showering overhead. It was embarrassing and awkward to say the least. Remembering to be calm, and recalling the fun loving nature of Krishna, I smiled through the benevolent look of my fellow passengers, feeling goofy and helpless inside. I finally managed to stuff things back, but couldn’t chain the bag up. With open bag dangling at my back, landed at Delhi, Terminal 1. And oh! Surprise galore! Landing at the airport I realised, my body has decided to start its cycle before time. No reason or rhyme, just being a rebel at inopportune times. Urgh….. how frustrating things could be. I don’t want to take you through the ordeal of carrying a dangling open bag to the airport washroom and fixing myself up. But it suffices to say, if meeting someone you love can be this difficult, then you wonder if He at all wants to see you in the first place! However the rest of the journey to Vrindavan was uneventful. Barring the fact that all sound bites of Delhi being freezing did not make much sense. The afternoon sun blazed through the car shield as it flew towards Vrindavan. It was quite warm to say the least.
The hotel was a good one and a known one. This was my second visit. But India today still gets taken aback to see a solo woman traveller. From the reception to the bell boy, everyone kept frantically searching for the man who was supposed to be with me but was not there. I had to hold back my bubbling laughter at their discomfort. Almost mentioned that I have come to meet Krishna , and hence did not bring any other ‘him’ with me.
I read somewhere and you might laugh at my gullibility, that people born on 6th usually come to this life to search and understand love. There might be millions of you, for whom this might not hold true, but for me strangely, it does. First third of my life I frantically waited for love to happen. Then I learnt that it can ruin you. And in the last leg, I have understood a little bit about it, touched its hem maybe. But strangely it’s nothing which I thought it was but encompassed every single emotion that has touched me till date. The biggest realisation I had was that loving is a self sufficient act. You don’t need anything to love. Not even the person. You can be love. The reason I’m sharing this with you is because I understand the struggle of searching for it. Please stop if you’re grappling with this elusive emotion! I suggest, try sensing it instead. Give it a shot. You’ll glimpse it, feel it and be swept by it. The trip to Vrindavan was just that. I was swamped. My body and mind tuned in to what is mine.
I had never visited Nidhivan earlier, so my heart was set to see the place. The story goes that Shree Krishna and Shree Radhika, still does Ras ( Devine dance) every night in this garden of Tulsi. The temple and the garden sits amidst the town but all windows of the houses facing the garden are closed. The lore goes no one lives to describe the dance if they see the Raas. The garden is filled with monkeys and birds chirping during the day, but with sundown, a divine silence shrouds the place. The temple where priest keeps jewellery and clothes, paan and laddu as offerings to Shree Radhika before locking its gates, remains closed till next day sunrise. Once the doors are opened next day, the bed is seen trampled, the jewellery scattered, the laddus eaten and the paan chewed. No one knows how it happens. But it happens every night. They say there are 16000 Tulsi trees in the garden, who all turn into Gopinis (devine consort) at night and joins the Raas. It’s upto you to believe the story or not. But sure there is romance wrapped in every nook of the lore.
I soaked in the environment as I walked the garden. Imagine what kind of love it could be, which defied consequences, social stigma, marital restrictions, destiny and even time. Probably when they roamed the earth, they may have spent a few years together and rest of their lives was spent being away from each other. Leading their individual lives and walking their life path. Yet so tied they are together, that even today thousands flock to see this place which resonates with their love. What kind of energy would have been generated which sanctified the emotion of two souls and made it immortal.
As I made my offering the priest handed me the Prasad and put a churni (veil) over my head which had been offered to Shree Radhika. Feeling happy I turned to walk out of the temple. On the staircase, I felt a tug at the churni from behind as if someone held it or stepped on it. It slipped from my head and partially touched the floor. I turned back thinking it got stuck somewhere, but there was no one behind me. The priests sat at the alter way behind. I looked back surprised, absolutely sure that my churni got stuck and was pulled off my head. Heard the laughter of the priests sitting at the alter. They told me laughing, “Kanha dopatta khich raha hain, dobara yaha ana parega “. (Krishna is pulling your veil and calling you back, you’ll need to visit Vrindavan again). I smiled at them and walked away. The place is filled with simple joys and complete faith. The folks here, take the existence of divine as way of life, with laughter and ease.
But then my purpose of visit was not only to understand love but also to see Krishna . Hence I walked towards Banke Bihari Temple from Nidhivan. The most beautiful idol of the Lord is supposed to be here. The lore goes, Shree Radhika curved the statue out of stone, creating Krishna just the way She saw Him in Her heart. She missed Him so desperately that the idol seemed alive and looking at her when She completed. Which ever corner of the temple you stand, it would seem to you that He is looking at you with love. During the day the eyes take a silver hue and after sundown a golden hue. So there I went. Saw Him as much as my heart could taken in and quietly left the temple from the side. Avoiding the surge of crowd and knowing deep down that He has seen me as I have seen Him. Tryst over. I spent the night deliciously alone with my thoughts and prayers, my love and desires, knowing with absolute surety that the feelings are mine to feel and they are sacrosanct in themselves.
Now if you are reading this letter and wondering what I’m chasing and why I keep running to such places, let me share a little secret. The few breaths that I have left, I want to live my life on my own terms. Sanctifying my emotions and being true to them helps me to be authentic. I don’t lie to anyone or to myself. I don’t fake anymore and I have drawn my barriers where required. I am completely immersed in my truth and I’m quite aware it’s not perfect. It is evolving as I am. But I’m ok with this version of myself at this point of time At times the biggest act of love is to put someone else’s wishes before yours. The hardest thing one can possibly do is to move away and withdraw because that’s what is being asked of you. Yet loving unconditionally, with every breath. And if I’m yours, I’m completely yours…whether you know it or not, whether you acknowledge it or not, whether you want to be a part of it or not. However much I’m yours, I am authentically so and you’ll know it if you ever touch my life. And where I have drawn barriers, that’s sacrosanct too. I don’t give more than what is required of me. I have learned to not waste my energy en mass all the time.
It hadn’t been easy, to reach here. Rather rough and I’ve got bruised as I’ve traversed the path . But I can assure you, it’s a journey worth the while. Being in love is never easy. Specially when you have to ensure that it includes yourself too. One should try it though. It’s an adventure worth taking.
The last thing I heard as I was leaving Vrindavan behind - “ Radhe Radhe….Shyam mila de”. ( Where all prayers are to Shree Radhika, for Her to allows a glimpse of Krishna ). I would say love like Her, to get a glimpse of Him. Vrindavan grows on you slowly.
Till we meet again with another story.
Always yours,
Pocket full of life
Radhe Radhe 🙏
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